States of Mind

Experiencing Resourceful States

About States of Mind

“He looked like he was in a right old state”

“She worked herself up into a dreadful state”

Have you ever heard this kind of statement, or made similar comments about people you spend time with? We often speak of people as being in ‘a state’, and it’s not unusual for the connotations to be somewhat negative, implying that there is a loss of control or an extreme emotional response in their behaviour.

You are always in a ‘State’

How often in the course of our daily lives, do we really think about or notice the states of mind we are in, and the influence they might be having on levels of happiness, performance or energy? Most people rarely stop to think about it — but it’s true that:

Your ‘State’ is one of the most important factors in living the life you really want to live

And yes, you are always in a state of one kind or another, even when you are asleep!
Since that is the case, then doesn’t it make sense to choose states that support you better in what you want to be, do and have in your life? To be in more control of your responses and to have a personal inner space where you can develop your self-awareness?

What kind of State are YOU in right now?

As you read these words, you can become aware of how you experience yourself right now — are you feeling positive, relaxed, with an inner sense of worth?

Do you have a sense of your self as able to fulfil your potential?
How are you speaking to yourself?
Is your inner voice being kind to you?
Do you feel confident, powerful, joyful — able to deal with whatever comes along in your life?

If the answer is YES—then you’re in a resourceful state. Or maybe…

Do you suffer from doubts about yourself, which limit your ability to progress?
Is your inner voice critical of you?
Are your relationships, your career, your social and family life or your education suffering because you don’t give yourself permission to be at your best?

Learning to create and access a personal resourceful state can be an empowering experience which leads to growth and development. Having the benefit of such a strategy can help you to manage the more challenging times in your life without overwhelm. Being able to access a resourceful state won’t miraculously ‘fix’ the tough bits—often it’s those parts of our lives from which we learn most. But it might just help to provide a little steady comfort when things are difficult, and enable us to benefit even more when life is going well.

Change Your State Right Now

There are two main ways to change your state — FOCUS & PHYSIOLOGY.

So change physiology by pretending there’s piece of string attached to the top of your head and hold on to it whilst you stretch the string upwards and your upper body becomes more upright.

Then change your focus:

Relax, take a deep breath
Hold it for a few seconds then let it go
Focus and concentrate on this image
Simply notice what happens to the way you feel
Whatever happens is perfect for you right now …

How to Build Your Self Worth

“Dear Christine,

Progress in my life has been dogged by very low self esteem – always as a child put down by my mother and lately by my husband.
Do I have to go through life like this? Help!”

PJ, London, UK

Dear PJ,

First of all, I’d like to commend you for writing to ask for help. That’s an excellent step towards taking charge of your life now, and becoming more confident in asking for your needs to be met.

Also, acknowledging that sometimes you feel less good about yourself is another healthy step towards building your self worth and love for yourself. And, be assured, if you decide to do so, then you can certainly change the way you go through life.

Now I’m going to make an assumption that since you’re asking for advice, you have decided that you want to make changes in the way you are going through your life. I’m also going to assume that you’re prepared to consider the suggestions that may be offered to you – and when you choose, to take action on those suggestions.

As I can’t ask you directly how you would define self-esteem, then let me describe what self-esteem means to me both professionally and personally.

It’s the way you feel about yourself. It’s how much you feel you are worth, (which is why I prefer to call it ‘self-worth’), how prepared you are to accept yourself as a human being who, by definition, is not perfect. How easily you can experience yourself as “okay” and “good enough” – even when you make mistakes or have uncomfortable emotions and experiences. Perhaps even accepting that it’s fine on occasion to have emotions such as anger and sadness – because sometimes family life has imposed conditions on us which have led us to suppress one emotion and substitute it with another – anger masquerading as resentment, for example.

Many of the patterns we live in our lives we learn as children, and some we acquire later in life. The good thing about this is that having learned these responses, when we begin to notice they no longer serve us, we can also unlearn them, and acquire new ways of dealing with our lives. All these decisions and beliefs about ourselves are created within us – and from within, equally, we can recreate new, more appropriate ones.

PJ, since you are becoming more aware of yourself in relation to others, perhaps it’s time for you to develop a different image of yourself, one where youare in control of yourself and make choices based on your needs, desires and interests. Where your past experience of your mother and your present experience with your husband diminish in the influence they exert over your feelings towards yourself, because you have taken charge of your own responses. And where you can then value yourself as the unique, fascinating being that you already are, and celebrate the potential you undoubtedly have to develop still further.

So how might you achieve such a change? There are, of course, many ways open to you in the self-help arena. Books, tapes, seminars, coaching, counselling….whatever you do, the only thing that will bring results is taking actionon and with whatever you read, hear, see or experience.

I believe that an important first step might be for you to create for yourself an inner retreat, a place where you can calmly consider yourself and rediscover a sense of your own potential – a “resourceful state”.

So, find yourself a peaceful room where you won’t be disturbed for a few minutes, turn off the phones, sit down comfortably and feel the chair beneath your legs, the floor under your feet. Then close your eyes, relax, take your shoulders and shrug them up to your ears, then let them gently fall back down, allow your head to rotate gently on your neck a couple of times. Now, think of one of the most wonderful moments in your life, a moment when you were really excited, when you knew you could do anything….Really get the feeling, be there having the experience, see what you saw, hear what you heard, notice what you noticed…..Then step outside and take a look at yourself, make the image just perfect for you, in sights, sounds and feelings, then step back inside again and experience the feelings. Now remember to mentally note that wonderful feeling. Enjoy it for a few moments more……

When you open your eyes again, notice how calm you feel, and how you are able to control that inner landscape of your mind. Practice this resourceful state often: at least once a day. Many people have found it helps them to identify what they want in their lives, and to feel stronger and more empowered whilst they decide. Remember that you can feel wonderful, and if you can feel wonderful in one situation, you can feel the same in another – take that sense of your self-worth with you, and build the life you want for yourself, knowing that growth and change are yours.

Love and Good luck on your journey….

Christine

Response

Dear Christine,

Firstly thank you for the excellent service I have received. You have achieved what I thought would be virtually impossible on the net – a personal one to one feeling that you were there just for ME.

Your reply has helped considerably, I have already been able to make some significant changes and move in a better direction in my life. For the first time I feel an inner strength and confidence growing to enable me to move forward.

My grateful thanks to the you – I will certainly be recommending Christine Miller and the Resourceful State to my friends.

Yours sincerely

Overcoming Depression

“Dear Christine,

I saw a special about Terry Bradshaw who has depression and I read a book by William Styron on his depression. This morning I felt like I could not bear to work today. I did and feel fine now but it is a common thing for me. I don’t want to take pills but I will try it. I would like to know if there is something I can do to avoid this incapacitating reticence to do anything.”

BG, Canton, TX, USA

Dear BG,

First of all, BG, I’m assuming that you have checked with your doctor to make sure that there are no underlying physical conditions which might lead to your feeling reticent to do anything. If you have the physical all-clear, then, because, as you say, it is a common thing for you to feel that you can’t bear to work, perhaps your doctor could refer you for counselling to help you identify and resolve what may be underlying your feelings.

I am wondering, have you experienced any recent changes in your sleeping patterns, your eating habits (either over or under eating), your use of alcohol or other stimulants; do you have a tendency to sigh a lot, to cry a lot, to withdraw from friends and family and feel unloved? These are some of the possible signs of depression, but remember that almost everyone experiences mood changes and periods of feeling “low” in response to life’s normal challenges, and they pass quite quickly. It’s when the conditions are severe and/or persistent that therapy or medication might be necessary. Sometimes, there’s an unrealistic expectation that we “should” love life and be happy, energetic and fulfilled at all times – but if you’ve just lost a loved one or maybe experienced some mental or physical trauma, then a period of reflection, of mourning, of adjustment is not only necessary but desirable.

I’m curious about how long you have been experiencing these feelings, and if you have experienced a recent trigger in the form of a major life event, such as a bereavement or loss through divorce. After such events it can take a long time for recovery to take place, and strong emotions are quite normal during these times. Talking with a trusted friend or relative can help to alleviate the burden – the old adage that ‘a trouble shared is a trouble halved’ has much truth in it. A counsellor or therapist would fill that role for you, also, if you prefer to keep your inner ponderings confidential. And if you can find no reason, and your feelings have been present for a long period, then it would certainly be advisable to seek a professional helper.

Perhaps, BG, you might ask yourself where this reticence, this incapacity comes from, what does it mean, and what purpose does it serve? What is it that you are not paying attention to in your life that your feelings of incapacitation are guiding you to attend to? What do you have in your life that you no longer want? What don’t you have in your life that you would like to be there? What steps can you take to make the changes that will create the conditions which will allow your greater fulfillment?

I also wonder how you relate to your work, your workplace and your workmates. Do you perhaps work alone, at home or in your office, and rely on your own company for motivation and encouragement? Is there something about your current work which causes you to avoid engaging with it? If you are involved with a creative profession, there can be a loneliness and reluctance which are necessary to the process of conceiving original work, and many artists experience a stage of reluctance before they find themselves in flow and being productive. Many of the great artists and performers of the world – Claude Monet, Sylvia Plath, Ernest Hemingway, Marilyn Monroe, Truman Capote, to name but a few – have suffered from depression, and the understanding of this condition is growing all the time.

If it were to prove that you do suffer from depression, there are things you can do to help yourself. You can start by keeping fit and well, rested and well-nourished. (Exercise releases “feel good” pheromones which enhance you mood, for example.) There are proven talking therapies, which can intervene and help you modify your responses. There are of course pills, as well, which your doctor may recommend as a measure to help you in the short term. What you decide to do will also depend on your assessment of yourself and the steps you are prepared to take in feeling better about yourself. For that is where you are in control, and the route you take is under your own direction.

Many of my clients, whatever issues they present with, find that writing is a superb therapy in itself. Perhaps you can keep a diary or journal of your daily moods and their relationship to your activities. An illuminating pattern may emerge, which will give you insight into, and possibly even assist in resolving, the triggers for your incapacitation. And writing an essay or a short story about your life as it is now and as you envisage it as an ideal can be a delightfully liberating experience in re-authoring yourself. Whilst you are deciding, such steps as have been suggested here may give you some inner peace and a calm place from which you can move to find what you want in your life.

And remember, as someone once said to me:

“Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance”

I wish you contentment and the resolve to change that which is within your power to achieve the happy and active life you desire.

Love

Christine

Response:

Dear Christine,

I want to thank you all for your insights and help. I didn’t expect anything so thorough but I learned a lot.

I am an artist and my work is important to me. I want everything to be great. I do fear failure but I love the work and the opportunity to feel very strongly about it. Maybe that has something to do with it. I know I want approval and I work a little too hard to get it. I don’t know why I want approval.

Talking it out would help I am beginning to see. Your generosity with your time is truly appreciated. The bad thing about it is I don’t really want to do anything about it for fear I will just start something I don’t finish again. Paintings are the only thing in my life I have ever finished. Well one other thing. I was a single parent (father) for my two boys from the time they were 3 and 4 years old. They are grown and gone now, for several years. I have time to do a lot of work just don’t have the passion. I guess I am finally feeling mortal.

Much love
BG