Articles

Resourceful Little Treasures

Christine Miller

In recent years there has been an upsurge of interest and concern in relation to children’s emotional and mental health. Media stories about bullying in schools, excluded children, disaffected youths creating mayhem in their communities, concerns about child pornography and the safety of the internet – all have been presented in the nation’s living rooms, and whether we judge the publicity good or bad, it is now important to recognise that the well being of our children is of widespread interest and concern.

Some years ago, a government report, “Promoting Children’s Mental Health within Early Years and School Settings” (DfES[i]: 2001) stated that “the mental health of children is everyone’s business”, and that adult society as a whole needed to recognise the importance of children’s mental health and emotional literacy.

Self-esteem
Sense of identity
Strong family relationships
Good communications with teachers and peer groups

The above are widely acknowledged as key elements in children who are resilient, and the risk factors for mental ill-health increase with every element missing from the list of desirable conditions.

In my role as a coach and mentor I work with a lot of young people, many of whom come along already labelled with behavioural, learning and/or emotional difficulties. That means I’m quite accustomed to witnessing sulky, aggressive and unhappy children, and it can take a fair amount of time, compassion and humour to unwind and relax and begin to make progress together.

Too Close to Home?

So when my own teenage son informed me with some passion a while ago that I “have no idea how hard it is to be a child growing up these days” it took me by surprise and prompted me to reflect carefully on my family, my work and my self.

He’s usually thought of as the wise one in his group, he appears to cope with whatever life presents to him, and he does fine at school. Yet even he is saying that coping is hard. And it’s in such moments that we can, as parents, gain great insights into just what the challenges of adolescence are these days that might make it harder than it was for us.

However, it’s tricky, because any questioning or request for explanation can lead to stonewalling silence – and so how can we mine for those precious nuggets that help us respond appropriately and with love to our little treasures and not dam up the flow before it’s even started? Because if it’s hard work being a child these days, it’s probably even harder being a parent who cares, who wants to be supportive yet finds that they are sidelined and that attempts at dialogue are blocked.

Other People’s Little Treasures

You’d think with my experience and skills with other people’s children, it would be a breeze. Aah yes. But dealing with your own kids isn’t the same as being the outside help. After all, you can’t send them home after an hour or so – they are at home. You don’t have the benefit of an outside perspective. You’re on a tightrope over what can feel like a precarious drop into dangerous waters. Well, that was what I thought until I began to reflect on the limitations I was imposing by holding those beliefs.

I wondered: if I could change my beliefs about it being hard to work with my son, could he shift his beliefs that it’s hard to be an adolescent growing up today?

And this is what happened.

Stepping Back and Stepping Out

I worked out a way of inviting my son to use a simple strategy of stepping back and stepping out.

I explained to him that I had been experiencing a paradox of finding it hard to be a parent. Feeling uncomfortable offering to help him because he’s my son, and even more uncomfortable not helping him – also because he’s my son, and especially as I have such a wide range of skills that could benefit him. So I went back in time to occasions when it would have seemed impossible and neglectful not to pass on skills and knowledge to him.

Like, what if I’d never talked to him so he could learn from me?
Or taught him to feed and dress himself?
Or helped him to read?
Or helped him to learn to ride his bike?

How weird would that have been?

And in the future, when he learns to drive … (Oh, Yes! This Year! as he gleefully reminded me) he’ll accept that know-how from his dad and me.

Crazy Imaginings

We ended up laughing at the craziest imaginary scenarios of me being reluctant to be a parent and guide to him because I knew more than he did. This opened up a really useful dialogue for us, about eking out degrees of responsibility as children approach adulthood, yet still being there. And on we went to his scenarios…

Growing Up and Expanding Your World

He stepped back and found times when it had been enormous fun to be growing up and developing, learning and exploring his expanding world, and he rediscovered a sense of joy. He noticed that there was usually someone else involved with passing on skills and knowledge, but that when he was competent he went off and did his own thing. He discovered that he had lots of resources from the past which he could bring forward into the present, and would transfer to the future.

And he recognised that accepting help and support were a way of getting stronger and growing more resourceful – real, lasting treasures to carry forward to a life where it may just be a little easier to be growing up, in that limbo where you’re neither child nor adult.

Keeping Mum

And as for me, I’ve found a more comfortable and fulfilling place in his world where we have greater understanding, and I can support him by balancing the roles of adult and parent – still keeping mum, but now able to speak up as well!!

Are there times when have you felt yourself on a tightrope in a relationship, wanting to speak up and intervene, yet knowing you need to tread with care? We’d be fascinated to find out.

[i] Department for Education & Skills (2001, June) Promoting Children’s Mental health in Early Years & School Settings

Five Tips for Living in Peace with Your Teens

Listen – very carefully. Difficult and scary as it may be, try to give your teens a place where they can express their thoughts and needs. Their world is different; be eager to understand and be curious about it and don’t condemn, judge or assume. If you want to make a comment, use their own words back to them – e.g. ‘So let me check I’m understanding you, what you’re saying is….’ (that’s why it’s listen very carefully…) They won’t argue with their own stuff…well, not too often anyway.
Set firm but realistic boundaries – it’s better for everyone. It shows you care. Rules can be good news – it gives your teens a valuable let-out when peer pressure is being applied. If they can assert with total confidence that something’s not allowed, it bolsters their strength to resist temptations to reckless behaviour.
Give them space, respect, responsibility, and the benefit of the doubt. Then shut up. Really. Knowing when to bite your tongue is a key part of this. Once you’ve negotiated what’s acceptable, don’t be peering over their shoulders or prying. Trust their judgement. It’s like paying out a rope or casting a fishing line – do it bit by bit, and you can always renegotiate and reel in a little if your teen seems to demonstrate there’s too much slack.
Accept there may be mistakes. Nobody’s perfect. If your mum (or dad) had known all you got up to as a teenager…would she/he have approved? Hmmm, thought not….So don’t blame, don’t make comparisons with friends or siblings, be supportive, let your teen know their unique value and that you do and always will love them. Even if it’s tough love – and especially if their behaviour is currently causing you concern or creating waves in the family. Make it a learning experience for both of you – try to see the gift in whatever’s happened, painful as it may seem in the moment.
Know your place. Teens can tend to think they’ve discovered everything for the first time ever – and that as an adult and their parent you really know – nothing. Get over it. Give it a few years. Keep a wry smile handy in your repertoire. Remember the old quote from one of the Greek Philosophers:

When I was 18 my father was completely ignorant, but by the time I was 25, it was amazing how much he’d learnt …

Too true!

BONUS TIP:

Laugh. Find some common ground in humour, satire, irony – maybe through a TV programme or film. It may make you throw your hands up in horror, but ‘The Simpsons’ has some prize moments of sheer comic dis-functionality in which most of us can see a little something of ourselves, if we’re really honest.

But dads (and mums) be warned – telling bad ‘dad jokes’ (and it seems that all dad jokes are bad jokes, even if they’re good…..) creates embarrassed looks, groans of ‘Ohhh Daaad’, rolling eyes and shrugged shoulders – you have to decide if you want to experience that. On the other hand, if you don’t do generic ‘dad jokes’, maybe your teen will miss out on being able to share horror stories with their mates…..And sharing the experience is part of growing up. As parents, that’s what we’re there for – silent witness, loud supporter, soft shoulder or sharp wit – you’ll need all of that and more along the way. Is it worth it – completely – it’s one of life’s richest treasures.

Christine Miller

How to Build Your Self Worth

“Dear Christine,

Progress in my life has been dogged by very low self esteem – always as a child put down by my mother and lately by my husband.
Do I have to go through life like this? Help!”

PJ, London, UK

Dear PJ,

First of all, I’d like to commend you for writing to ask for help. That’s an excellent step towards taking charge of your life now, and becoming more confident in asking for your needs to be met.

Also, acknowledging that sometimes you feel less good about yourself is another healthy step towards building your self worth and love for yourself. And, be assured, if you decide to do so, then you can certainly change the way you go through life.

Now I’m going to make an assumption that since you’re asking for advice, you have decided that you want to make changes in the way you are going through your life. I’m also going to assume that you’re prepared to consider the suggestions that may be offered to you – and when you choose, to take action on those suggestions.

As I can’t ask you directly how you would define self-esteem, then let me describe what self-esteem means to me both professionally and personally.

It’s the way you feel about yourself. It’s how much you feel you are worth, (which is why I prefer to call it ‘self-worth’), how prepared you are to accept yourself as a human being who, by definition, is not perfect. How easily you can experience yourself as “okay” and “good enough” – even when you make mistakes or have uncomfortable emotions and experiences. Perhaps even accepting that it’s fine on occasion to have emotions such as anger and sadness – because sometimes family life has imposed conditions on us which have led us to suppress one emotion and substitute it with another – anger masquerading as resentment, for example.

Many of the patterns we live in our lives we learn as children, and some we acquire later in life. The good thing about this is that having learned these responses, when we begin to notice they no longer serve us, we can also unlearn them, and acquire new ways of dealing with our lives. All these decisions and beliefs about ourselves are created within us – and from within, equally, we can recreate new, more appropriate ones.

PJ, since you are becoming more aware of yourself in relation to others, perhaps it’s time for you to develop a different image of yourself, one where youare in control of yourself and make choices based on your needs, desires and interests. Where your past experience of your mother and your present experience with your husband diminish in the influence they exert over your feelings towards yourself, because you have taken charge of your own responses. And where you can then value yourself as the unique, fascinating being that you already are, and celebrate the potential you undoubtedly have to develop still further.

So how might you achieve such a change? There are, of course, many ways open to you in the self-help arena. Books, tapes, seminars, coaching, counselling….whatever you do, the only thing that will bring results is taking actionon and with whatever you read, hear, see or experience.

I believe that an important first step might be for you to create for yourself an inner retreat, a place where you can calmly consider yourself and rediscover a sense of your own potential – a “resourceful state”.

So, find yourself a peaceful room where you won’t be disturbed for a few minutes, turn off the phones, sit down comfortably and feel the chair beneath your legs, the floor under your feet. Then close your eyes, relax, take your shoulders and shrug them up to your ears, then let them gently fall back down, allow your head to rotate gently on your neck a couple of times. Now, think of one of the most wonderful moments in your life, a moment when you were really excited, when you knew you could do anything….Really get the feeling, be there having the experience, see what you saw, hear what you heard, notice what you noticed…..Then step outside and take a look at yourself, make the image just perfect for you, in sights, sounds and feelings, then step back inside again and experience the feelings. Now remember to mentally note that wonderful feeling. Enjoy it for a few moments more……

When you open your eyes again, notice how calm you feel, and how you are able to control that inner landscape of your mind. Practice this resourceful state often: at least once a day. Many people have found it helps them to identify what they want in their lives, and to feel stronger and more empowered whilst they decide. Remember that you can feel wonderful, and if you can feel wonderful in one situation, you can feel the same in another – take that sense of your self-worth with you, and build the life you want for yourself, knowing that growth and change are yours.

Love and Good luck on your journey….

Christine

Response

Dear Christine,

Firstly thank you for the excellent service I have received. You have achieved what I thought would be virtually impossible on the net – a personal one to one feeling that you were there just for ME.

Your reply has helped considerably, I have already been able to make some significant changes and move in a better direction in my life. For the first time I feel an inner strength and confidence growing to enable me to move forward.

My grateful thanks to the you – I will certainly be recommending Christine Miller and the Resourceful State to my friends.

Yours sincerely

Overcoming Depression

“Dear Christine,

I saw a special about Terry Bradshaw who has depression and I read a book by William Styron on his depression. This morning I felt like I could not bear to work today. I did and feel fine now but it is a common thing for me. I don’t want to take pills but I will try it. I would like to know if there is something I can do to avoid this incapacitating reticence to do anything.”

BG, Canton, TX, USA

Dear BG,

First of all, BG, I’m assuming that you have checked with your doctor to make sure that there are no underlying physical conditions which might lead to your feeling reticent to do anything. If you have the physical all-clear, then, because, as you say, it is a common thing for you to feel that you can’t bear to work, perhaps your doctor could refer you for counselling to help you identify and resolve what may be underlying your feelings.

I am wondering, have you experienced any recent changes in your sleeping patterns, your eating habits (either over or under eating), your use of alcohol or other stimulants; do you have a tendency to sigh a lot, to cry a lot, to withdraw from friends and family and feel unloved? These are some of the possible signs of depression, but remember that almost everyone experiences mood changes and periods of feeling “low” in response to life’s normal challenges, and they pass quite quickly. It’s when the conditions are severe and/or persistent that therapy or medication might be necessary. Sometimes, there’s an unrealistic expectation that we “should” love life and be happy, energetic and fulfilled at all times – but if you’ve just lost a loved one or maybe experienced some mental or physical trauma, then a period of reflection, of mourning, of adjustment is not only necessary but desirable.

I’m curious about how long you have been experiencing these feelings, and if you have experienced a recent trigger in the form of a major life event, such as a bereavement or loss through divorce. After such events it can take a long time for recovery to take place, and strong emotions are quite normal during these times. Talking with a trusted friend or relative can help to alleviate the burden – the old adage that ‘a trouble shared is a trouble halved’ has much truth in it. A counsellor or therapist would fill that role for you, also, if you prefer to keep your inner ponderings confidential. And if you can find no reason, and your feelings have been present for a long period, then it would certainly be advisable to seek a professional helper.

Perhaps, BG, you might ask yourself where this reticence, this incapacity comes from, what does it mean, and what purpose does it serve? What is it that you are not paying attention to in your life that your feelings of incapacitation are guiding you to attend to? What do you have in your life that you no longer want? What don’t you have in your life that you would like to be there? What steps can you take to make the changes that will create the conditions which will allow your greater fulfillment?

I also wonder how you relate to your work, your workplace and your workmates. Do you perhaps work alone, at home or in your office, and rely on your own company for motivation and encouragement? Is there something about your current work which causes you to avoid engaging with it? If you are involved with a creative profession, there can be a loneliness and reluctance which are necessary to the process of conceiving original work, and many artists experience a stage of reluctance before they find themselves in flow and being productive. Many of the great artists and performers of the world – Claude Monet, Sylvia Plath, Ernest Hemingway, Marilyn Monroe, Truman Capote, to name but a few – have suffered from depression, and the understanding of this condition is growing all the time.

If it were to prove that you do suffer from depression, there are things you can do to help yourself. You can start by keeping fit and well, rested and well-nourished. (Exercise releases “feel good” pheromones which enhance you mood, for example.) There are proven talking therapies, which can intervene and help you modify your responses. There are of course pills, as well, which your doctor may recommend as a measure to help you in the short term. What you decide to do will also depend on your assessment of yourself and the steps you are prepared to take in feeling better about yourself. For that is where you are in control, and the route you take is under your own direction.

Many of my clients, whatever issues they present with, find that writing is a superb therapy in itself. Perhaps you can keep a diary or journal of your daily moods and their relationship to your activities. An illuminating pattern may emerge, which will give you insight into, and possibly even assist in resolving, the triggers for your incapacitation. And writing an essay or a short story about your life as it is now and as you envisage it as an ideal can be a delightfully liberating experience in re-authoring yourself. Whilst you are deciding, such steps as have been suggested here may give you some inner peace and a calm place from which you can move to find what you want in your life.

And remember, as someone once said to me:

“Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance”

I wish you contentment and the resolve to change that which is within your power to achieve the happy and active life you desire.

Love

Christine

Response:

Dear Christine,

I want to thank you all for your insights and help. I didn’t expect anything so thorough but I learned a lot.

I am an artist and my work is important to me. I want everything to be great. I do fear failure but I love the work and the opportunity to feel very strongly about it. Maybe that has something to do with it. I know I want approval and I work a little too hard to get it. I don’t know why I want approval.

Talking it out would help I am beginning to see. Your generosity with your time is truly appreciated. The bad thing about it is I don’t really want to do anything about it for fear I will just start something I don’t finish again. Paintings are the only thing in my life I have ever finished. Well one other thing. I was a single parent (father) for my two boys from the time they were 3 and 4 years old. They are grown and gone now, for several years. I have time to do a lot of work just don’t have the passion. I guess I am finally feeling mortal.

Much love
BG

Motivation and Zest for Life

“Dear Christine,

I have read several self help books. Tried several techniques. On many occasions have attempted to start a journal, hoping to work on goals, self esteem and prosperity creation.
However good a start I make I find it so difficult to keep motivated, my self doubt creeps in. Being motivated and having enthusiasm for things in life has been a great problem for me since the loss of both my parents and my partner over a period of eight months. Any advice on how I can regain my zest and love for life? I have tried many things all to no avail: is there any hope for me?” JR, Durham, UK

Dear JR

First of all, allow me to express my sympathy for your loss of your parents and your partner over a very short period of time. Such loss certainly requires a period of mourning and readjustment which will not necessarily be swift. It is perfectly normal and even desirable to have many feelings – of sadness, loneliness and even hopelessness – when faced with the gaps in our lives left by the departure of loved ones, whether through death or separation. Acknowledging and even welcoming these feelings is an important part of the process of recovery, and being able to hold such feelings and work with them whilst also moving through them to acceptance is probably one of the key factors in returning to a more joyful life.

You don’t mention how long ago you experienced these losses, and each person has a different time scale for mourning. Cultural background can influence the way we deal with bereavement, with certain societies encouraging visible, audible public expression of sorrow, and others choosing a quiet, private and internal way of grieving.

For some, grief is immediate and sharply felt, expressed spontaneously and freely. For others, the sense of loss creeps more slowly, perhaps only hitting home some weeks or months after the bereavement. And there are always those moments of recall, the promptings of a familiar sound, sight or place, the event or occasion when the person’s absence is strongly felt, the shock of their habitual presence being no longer there. So be kind to yourself and accept that what you experience may be the natural way your body, heart and soul respond to changes which have come from events beyond your control.

Take all the time you need to grieve. Your parents were with you all your life – it would be unrealistic not to feel their absence acutely for a period of time, and your partner was also a key part of your life – it is acknowledged that it can take many years to come to terms with the death of a partner, so take your time and value the personal growth you can experience from this process. Get some help from a bereavement counsellor if you would like someone to talk to. CRUSE in the UK specialise in bereavement issues, offering free advice and support. (www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk)

These events, your losses, were beyond your control – you can, however, now start to make a conscious decision about how you respond to the feelings which they have led you to experience. If you are ready to move forward, holding dear the precious memories of your loved ones, and allowing the feelings their loss has created in you to be a resource of strength and determination, then you can start to change and regain your motivation and zest for life.

Acknowledge to yourself that it’s okay to feel sad sometimes, that you can be safely sad, and that you can also enjoy life’s pleasures and joys alongside the sadness. Your respect for your loved ones does not mean you have to deprive yourself of joy – you can better honour their memory by living a full and richly rewarding life which is a testimony to their positive influences on your development.

Take some time to consider what you really want – if you really want to be happy, then the choice to feel happiness lies within you. You have demonstrated by asking these questions that you have sensitivity and awareness, that you know that the answer truly lies within. Develop that ability to look within, and accept yourself as a whole and sensitive person who is capable of deep feeling and unlimited growth. Take a quiet, reflective moment and ask yourself if it is alright for you to experience that which you desire – whatever it may be – and pay attention to the spontaneous response you get.

Make a definite decision to look for the positive in whatever happens to you – what strength and knowledge can you draw from your life experiences? Which people can you attract into your life to share and enhance your world? Create your ideal in your mind, make it as vivid as the most compelling film you have ever seen, the most riveting novel you have ever read, and allow yourself to start living the possibility – remembering that all your emotions are valid, and that there will be times when life’s natural events lead to feelings which modern society can tend to disown.

Although love can bring sadness and loss, the true joy lies in knowing that your strength increases through exposure to the full range of a life well lived – including the disappointment, confusion and unexpected results which offer the greatest lessons.

Hope is always present in our lives, if we choose it so – you can be, do and have whatever you want, know that you deserve your heart’s desire – and you can then respond in the way that best fulfils your needs. I wish you a joyful journey into a future filled with rich experience as you start to explore the map of your life – one which you can create and recreate as you tread more lightly into the world.

Christine