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Resourceful Little Treasures

By Christine Miller

Resourceful Little Treasures

Christine Miller

LittlegirlsIn recent years there has been an upsurge of interest and concern in relation to children’s emotional and mental health. Media stories about bullying in schools, excluded children, disaffected youths creating mayhem in their communities, concerns about child pornography and the safety of the internet – all have been presented in the nation’s living rooms, and whether we judge the publicity good or bad, it is now important to recognise that the well being of our children is of widespread interest and concern.

Some years ago, a government report, “Promoting Children’s Mental Health within Early Years and School Settings” (DfES[i]: 2001) stated that “the mental health of children is everyone’s business”, and that adult society as a whole needed to recognise the importance of children’s mental health and emotional literacy.

    • Self-esteem
    • Sense of identity
    • Strong family relationships
    • Good communications with teachers and peer groups

The above are widely acknowledged as key elements in children who are resilient, and the risk factors for mental ill-health increase with every element missing from the list of desirable conditions.

In my role as a coach and mentor I work with a lot of young people, many of whom come along already labelled with behavioural, learning and/or emotional difficulties. That means I’m quite accustomed to witnessing sulky, aggressive and unhappy children, and it can take a fair amount of time, compassion and humour to unwind and relax and begin to make progress together.

 Too Close to Home?

So when my own teenage son informed me with some passion a while ago that I “have no idea how hard it is to be a child growing up these days” it took me by surprise and prompted me to reflect carefully on my family, my work and my self.

He’s usually thought of as the wise one in his group, he appears to cope with whatever life presents to him, and he does fine at school. Yet even he is saying that coping is hard. And it’s in such moments that we can, as parents, gain great insights into just what the challenges of adolescence are these days that might make it harder than it was for us.

However, it’s tricky, because any questioning or request for explanation can lead to stonewalling silence – and so how can we mine for those precious nuggets that help us respond appropriately and with love to our little treasures and not dam up the flow before it’s even started? Because if it’s hard work being a child these days, it’s probably even harder being a parent who cares, who wants to be supportive yet finds that they are sidelined and that attempts at dialogue are blocked.

 Other People’s Little Treasures

You’d think with my experience and skills with other people’s children, it would be a breeze. Aah yes. But dealing with your own kids isn’t the same as being the outside help. After all, you can’t send them home after an hour or so – they are at home. You don’t have the benefit of an outside perspective. You’re on a tightrope over what can feel like a precarious drop into dangerous waters. Well, that was what I thought until I began to reflect on the limitations I was imposing by holding those beliefs.

I wondered: if I could change my beliefs about it being hard to work with my son, could he shift his beliefs that it’s hard to be an adolescent growing up today?

And this is what happened.

 Stepping Back and Stepping Out

I worked out a way of inviting my son to use a simple strategy of stepping back and stepping out.

I explained to him that I had been experiencing a paradox of finding it hard to be a parent. Feeling uncomfortable offering to help him because he’s my son, and even more uncomfortable not helping him – also because he’s my son, and especially as I have such a wide range of skills that could benefit him. So I went back in time to occasions when it would have seemed impossible and neglectful not to pass on skills and knowledge to him.

 Like, what if I’d never talked to him so he could learn from me?
Or taught him to feed and dress himself?
Or helped him to read?
Or helped him to learn to ride his bike?

How weird would that have been?

And in the future, when he learns to drive … (Oh, Yes! This Year! as he gleefully reminded me) he’ll accept that know-how from his dad and me.

 Crazy Imaginings

We ended up laughing at the craziest imaginary scenarios of me being reluctant to be a parent and guide to him because I knew more than he did.  This opened up a really useful dialogue for us, about eking out degrees of responsibility as children approach adulthood, yet still being there. And on we went to his scenarios…

 Growing Up and Expanding Your World

He stepped back and found times when it had been enormous fun to be growing up and developing, learning and exploring his expanding world, and he rediscovered a sense of joy. He noticed that there was usually someone else involved with passing on skills and knowledge, but that when he was competent he went off and did his own thing. He discovered that he had lots of resources from the past which he could bring forward into the present, and would transfer to the future.

And he recognised that accepting help and support were a way of getting stronger and growing more resourceful – real, lasting treasures to carry forward to a life where it may just be a little easier to be growing up, in that limbo where you’re neither child nor adult.

Keeping Mum

And as for me, I’ve found a more comfortable and fulfilling place in his world where we have greater understanding, and I can support him by balancing the roles of adult and parent – still keeping mum, but now able to speak up as well!!

Are there times when have you felt yourself on a tightrope in a relationship,  wanting to speak up and intervene, yet knowing you need to tread with care? We’d be fascinated to find out.

© Christine Miller 


[i] Department for Education & Skills (2001, June) Promoting Children’s Mental health in Early Years & School Settings

Filed Under: Coaching & Mentoring Children & Young People, Featured, Parents & Teens Tagged With: children depression, Christine Miller, Coaching Children, Resourceful State, teenagers

Experiencing Resourceful States

By Christine Miller

AlightandAliveAbout States of Mind

“He looked like he was in a right old state”

“She worked herself up into a dreadful state”

Have you ever heard this kind of statement, or made similar comments about people you spend time with? We often speak of people as being in ‘a state’, and it’s not unusual for the connotations to be somewhat negative, implying that there is a loss of control or an extreme emotional response in their behaviour.

 You are always in a ‘State’

How often in the course of our daily lives, do we really think about or notice the states of mind we are in, and the influence they might be having on levels of happiness, performance or energy? Most people rarely stop to think about it — but it’s true that:

Your ‘State’ is one of the most important factors in living the life you really want to live

And yes, you are always in a state of one kind or another, even when you are asleep!
Since that is the case, then doesn’t it make sense to choose states that support you better in what you want to be, do and have in your life? To be in more control of your responses and to have a personal inner space where you can develop your self-awareness?

What kind of State are YOU in right now?

As you read these words, you can become aware of how you experience yourself right now — are you feeling positive, relaxed, with an inner sense of worth?

  • Do you have a sense of your self as able to fulfil your potential?
  • How are you speaking to yourself?
  • Is your inner voice being kind to you?
  • Do you feel confident, powerful, joyful — able to deal with whatever comes along in your life?

If the answer is YES—then you’re in a resourceful state. Or maybe…

  • Do you suffer from doubts about yourself, which limit your ability to progress?
  • Is your inner voice critical of you?
  • Are your relationships, your career, your social and family life or your education suffering because you don’t give yourself permission to be at your best?

Learning to create and access a personal resourceful state can be an empowering experience which leads to growth and development. Having the benefit of such a strategy can help you to manage the more challenging times in your life without overwhelm. Being able to access a resourceful state won’t miraculously ‘fix’ the tough bits—often it’s those parts of our lives from which we learn most. But it might just help to provide a little steady comfort when things are difficult, and enable us to benefit even more when life is going well.

Change Your State Right Now

There are two main ways to change your state — FOCUS & PHYSIOLOGY.

So change physiology by pretending there’s piece of string attached to the top of your head and hold on to it whilst you stretch the string upwards and your upper body becomes more upright.

Then change your focus:

Relax, take a deep breath
Hold it for a few seconds then let it go
Focus and concentrate on this image
Simply notice what happens to the way you feel
Whatever happens is perfect for you right now …

eok

Filed Under: Featured, Resourceful States Tagged With: Christine Miller, personal growth, Resourceful State, States of Mind

Growing Resilience through Resourceful States of Mind

By Christine Miller

Christine Miller Headshot 2 2012Growing Resilience through Resourceful States of Mind – first published in BACP Journal 2003 

Case study research explores the potential for growth and change in children experiencing learning and/or emotional and behavioural difficulties when they learn to create their own personal “Welfare State”

In recent years there has been an upsurge of interest and concern in relation to children’s emotional and mental health. Media stories about bullying in schools, excluded children, disaffected youths creating mayhem in their communities, concerns about child pornography and the safety of the internet – all have been presented in the nation’s living rooms, and whether we judge the publicity good or bad, it is now important to recognise that the well being of our children is of widespread interest and concern. A recent government report, “Promoting Children’s Mental Health within Early Years and School Settings” (DfES[i]: 2001) states that “the mental health of children is everyone’s business”, and that adult society as a whole needs to recognise the importance of children’s mental health and emotional literacy. Self-esteem, a sense of identity, strong family relationships and good communications with teachers and peer groups are widely acknowledged as key elements in children who are resilient, and the risk factors for mental ill-health increase with every element missing from the list of desirable conditions.

 

Being Resourceful

You might be wondering just what is a resourceful state of mind, and how is it relevant to counselling and working with children, and so I’d like to begin by defining the word resourceful:

Webster’s dictionary states: “resourceful” “Able to act effectively, or imaginatively, especially in difficult situations” [ii]

The Oxford English Dictionary defines thus:

“Resources”, “A stock or reserve on which one can draw when necessary”,  “An action or a procedure to which one may have recourse in a difficulty or emergency”.

“Resourceful”   “Full of resource”, “Rich or abounding in resources”  OED, 1979 [iii]

“having inner resources, adroit or imaginative”;  “someone who is resourceful is capable of dealing with difficult situations”; Wordnet, 1997, Princeton University.[iv]

As described above, the qualities of being resourceful would be beneficial for all of us, and especially for our children, increasing their resilience as they learn to deal with a modern life fraught with many potential pitfalls and anxieties. Although there are some people who appear to be naturally gifted with a consummate ability to respond appropriately to life’s challenges, it seems that coping with difficult situations with grace and elegance, for at least some of the time, is a skill which may be learned at any age or stage. Clients who present themselves, (or are “sent”), for counselling are unlikely to be demonstrating resourcefulness in the parts of their lives which are causing trouble, since if they were coping effectively with difficult situations, they wouldn’t be clients in the first place. This applies to adults as well as children, but it is particularly relevant to a child, as generally they have less control over their environment, and little if any choice in how they are dealt with when things are not going well. They are required by law to attend school, where they may be experiencing difficulties, and they cannot usually leave their home and family, if that is a source of challenge for them. The demise of the extended family in Western culture has led to children’s support networks diminishing, and with the breakdown of family life and increasing single- parent families, their contact with elders as role models has reduced. Less able to use their resources to change the external situation, it is therefore useful for a child to be able to control their own inner world, to be more resilient, and gain mastery of more effective ways of dealing with external stimuli which may provoke undesirable behaviours. Creating a resourceful state, a “personal welfare state” may be a means of achieving that ability to exercise self-control, gain a sense of self-worth and remain in mental good health.

Resourceful States of Mind

A resourceful state of mind is perhaps best described as a personal inner retreat, a safe platform from which to move forward and explore responses rather than react on impulse. The client can be facilitated in creating this state, using existing inner resources, elicited by sensory-based techniques such as visualisation. It is accessed by the client’s recalling positive experiences, and creating, initially with guidance from the therapist, then independently, their own representation of the moment they have chosen. As a first step, some carefully chosen exercises and games are introduced which will guarantee the client has a recent positive experience of success on which to draw, should it prove challenging for them to remember any other suitable event. The process for creating a resourceful state will vary from client to client, according to their needs. It will include specially designed breathing and posture exercises, visualisation, sounds and feelings, (depending on the client’s preferences) and adjustment of the image by the client to make the strongest possible representation of their chosen moment. This is followed by cultivation of the child’s sensory perception, and contextual rehearsal and role play in situations which have proved challenging in the past. An important factor for the therapist is the development of keen observational skills in noting specific physical responses and their congruence with spoken expressions, and the ability to identify preferred senses and styles of communication in the client, and match them where appropriate.

With practice, resourceful state can become part of a person’s repertoire of voluntarily chosen but unconsciously achieved behaviour, such as riding a bicycle or driving a car, to be accessed and utilised by choice whenever required. When they know and understand themselves better they have a wider range of choices available in how to respond to themselves and to their environment. They can literally become more resourceful in their way of being.

Resourceful states of mind, then, are based on an ability to reflect on and in action, to operate from a chosen response rather than an impulse, and to have an inner mental sanctum, a reserve of strength to draw on when needed. Being able to reconnect to a positive and powerful experience can give confidence and build self-esteem, empowering a client to believe in himself and in his potential.

My fascination with, and, dare I say, passion for resourceful states of mind stemmed initially from a strong personal interest when a young family member had coaching in learning skills about 10 years ago, and was taught to create a personal resourceful state. The subsequent increase in confidence, self-esteem and performance was dramatic, and prompted me to discover more about state management. I researched widely, and found references to “flow” (Csiksezentmihalyi) [v], a state which athletes and performers use in preparation for and during performance, “peak experience” (Maslow) [vi], involuntary ecstatic states which can have transformational effects on those experiencing them, “plateau experience” (Maslow) [vii] which is a milder version of the peak experience, with a more voluntary element, “vital moments” (Goud) [viii] and “mindfulness” [ix],  all of which bore some resemblance to resourceful states of mind. This is of necessity a brief list of the reading which informed me, although I can say that in all my searches I found no specific reference to resourceful states of mind pertaining to counselling.

The Research Project

I undertook this research for a Master’s Degree in Psychology & Counselling Practice, which required that the topic was grounded in the researcher’s own practice. When planning the project, I was moved by a desire to discover why at certain times, with certain clients, certain interventions (with particular reference to resourceful state) would appear to work more effectively.  I believe that by reflecting in and on action, as described by Schön in The Reflective Practitioner, (1991),[x] I was able to examine my own practice and gain invaluable knowledge and know-how of my work, whilst benefiting from personal insights, and most importantly, being extremely sensitised to the expressions and responses of my clients. My personal resourceful state was important in helping me to adopt an observer position when reflecting on my practice, and in enhancing my empathic skills within the therapeutic relationship.

I chose to use a case study in order to pay close attention to the unfolding process during a series of counselling sessions with a specific child client. This methodology is particularly suited to a detailed study of phenomena occurring in a practice situation, and the work was carried out subject to all ethical considerations, including consent, confidentiality and non-harming, in accordance with BACP guidelines and under academic and clinical supervision. The initial therapy took place between September 2000 and March 2001. The interviews and analysis took place subsequent to the completion of the therapeutic contract, and further research has since been conducted into additional cases, with group work carried out until July 2002.

The Case Study

The client was a 10 year old boy who was experiencing emotional and behavioural difficulties, with problems such as tantrums and aggression reported both at home and at school, resulting in his schoolwork also being affected. He was referred by his mother, on word of mouth recommendation, and attended for 12 one-hour sessions. I initially saw the mother twice, to discuss the case history from her viewpoint, and then to agree the contractual terms, including the agreement for her to be interviewed subsequent to the completion of the therapy.  We established that the outcome most desired by his mother was that the client should be happier, more confident, less angry, have fewer tantrums and be more prepared to engage with his family, teachers and peers. If his schoolwork also improved, then that would be an added bonus. We remained in contact for feedback throughout, as is recommended wherever possible in work with children.

The Assessment

““So, why are you here?” I said to the client.

He was a little reserved, quiet and his eyes were downcast as he responded candidly to my request for his story about why he was attending.

 “I’ve been getting into trouble at home and at school”, he replied.

“How do you feel about that?” I asked.

He looked at me and hesitated, chewing his lip. He looked down, at his hands, then looked back at me and said “I get…kind of…I’m sort of angry..and I feel…bad.” He spoke quietly and slowly, body twisting slightly to his right, his hands wringing together, his posture slumped.”

During the assessment, the client’s own account of his behaviour matched closely with that of his mother. He told me that, as a result of coming to counselling, he would like to “feel better and not get so mad” and “do better at Maths and English”.

After the assessment session with the client, I asked him if he was interested in participating in my research, taking utmost care to ensure there was no pressure or obligation. I checked again scrupulously the following week when he enthusiastically agreed. After the end of the 12 sessions of therapy, I conducted two interviews with the client.

The first interview took place within a final 13th “closeout” session, and he was very comfortable throughout. He enjoyed going through the agenda we had followed, and choosing those interventions he felt had been most beneficial. He was also quick to tell me what had been least favoured, (“boring”, to use his words), which I regard as a good indicator of the equal balance of power in our relationship. His willingness to interject and interrupt, offering his thoughts during our interview sessions, left me sure that he felt no constraints in communicating his true feelings to me. The same remarks apply to our second interview, which was taped, and where, on transcription, I was able to identify even more precisely how powerful his contribution was.

The subsequent interview with his mother gave rise to some painful, tearful moments for her. She said she was relieved to have uncovered her feelings, and felt very safe speaking to me. I stayed with her until I was sure she was grounded and calm, and suggested she might like to have her own counsellor. She was definite in her positive assessment of the value of the work I did with her son, and confirmed that she had noticed great changes in him. It was extremely interesting that she told me how she had felt enabled to make changes herself, also. Her observation of her son, and the way he went home and told her about what we did in our sessions, led her to decide that she could alter the way in which she related to him. Their relationship improved as a consequence, and the household was generally much calmer, with better communications.

The Results

In analysing the data in the case study, I noticed the similarity in the perceived changes identified by the client, his mother and myself. Although I had not undertaken an outcome study per se, I knew from my reading about case study research (Yin, 1994[xi]; Stake, 1995[xii]; Silverman, 2000[xiii]; McLeod, 1994[xiv]; Higgins, 1996[xv]) that multiple sources of data are highly regarded as a means of reinforcing validity. Therefore I selected amongst the available material from pre-, during and post- counselling, the behaviour, emotions and attitudes identified by all three participants as being subject to change. Changes were also reported from other members within the family, teachers, both verbally and in writing, and from peers with whom the client’s relationships improved noticeably.

Resourceful State Christine Miller The ABA model shown below illustrates the conditions pre-counselling at A in column one. B represents the changes noticed during counselling. A in column three shows the effects when counselling was discontinued. I regard this information as important because it illustrates triangulation, the convergence of opinion between participants, thus lending credence to the proposition that change did occur.

Baseline Assessments of Effects of Counselling

 

Pre Counselling

During Counselling

Post Counselling

 

A

B

A

1

Tantrums almost every day

few tantrums

few tantrums

2

Arguments, alienation

calm child/household

calm child/household

3

Client self-doubt

client confidence

client confidence

4

Client impulsive/ thoughtless

considers decisions

considers decisions

5

Client can’t see outcomes

foresees outcomes

foresees outcomes

6

Client self-anger

self acceptance

self acceptance

7

Client sensitivity to comments

accepts just criticism

accepts just criticism

8

Peer relations tense

improvement

improvement

9

Bullying

decreases

decreases

10

School behaviour

improves

improves

11

Teacher relations

improves

improves

12

Mother guilt/responsibility

Mother letting go

mother letting go

13

Mother angry – self

self accepting

self accepting

14

Mother angry – son

acceptance

acceptance

15

Mother high expectations

realism

realism

16

Mother/son tension

understanding/respect

understanding/respect

17

Disobedience

explanation

explanation

18

Client/mother don’t talk

son explains our work

reminds of principles

19

Coping/weakness

both stronger in self

both stronger in self

One of the most effective ways to demonstrate what I discovered about resourceful state in this case is to offer some verbatim quotations from the client.

We explored his experience of resourceful state, and he told me “everything is really calm”, “It’s just silent, and all I can hear is myself”. He had such internal dialogues as “How’re you feeling?” responding with “really happy”, “really sad”, “no emotions”, “every single emotion you can think of”, with the most common emotion being happy. He told me that “it’s calm sometimes and it makes me feel really good when I’m happy and it’s peaceful as well”. The resourceful state was important to him because it helped him “a lot” and “when I’m feeling sad I go into the resourceful state to get over it”, and that he used it mostly “just before I go to school on Monday” and “if I feel really bad on another day then I’ll use it again.”

It appears that the client’s experience of resourceful state supported a wide range of emotions, and that resourceful state might offer the therapeutic potential for the clarification of emerging emotional patterns – exploration and clarification of feelings being a goal of the counselling process. It is also possible that that resourceful state offers the development of emotional regulation skills. The process is not dissimilar to meditation or co-counselling techniques.

 The client deliberately accessed the resourceful state when entering stressful environments, whenever he was feeling very sad, or when he wanted to achieve a peaceful, calm and quiet state. The state was also “silent” for him, possibly enabling him to “hear himself”, and providing a quiet retreat away from external influences. It appeared that he had made definite choices in identifying the times when he would use resourceful state, and was also aware of those moments when it would best support him in challenging circumstances.

 I asked the following:

Therapist:        So what have you learned about yourself?

Client:             That I’m very important. I’m not just somebody who walks around everyday doing nothing. I’m really important. That as well. 

The foregoing statement is probably an indicator of the client’s self acceptance, that he values himself for what he is, and believes he has worth both to himself and to his world.  This might indicate that the conditions for a fully functioning person were present. Satir says that person with high self worth:

“has faith in his own competence. He is able to ask others for help, but he believes he can make his own decisions and is his own best resource.”  Satir (1972: p. 22)[xvi] 

“This achievement of self-acceptance is usually followed by a sharp increase in the client’s personal power.”  Mearns & Thorne (1999: p. 150)  [xvii]

Witnessing the achievement of that empowerment and sense of self-worth led me to consider that our therapeutic relationship, with its emphasis on resourceful state, might well have facilitated my young client in accessing his own personal welfare state, a resource from which he will hopefully continue to benefit as he moves through adolescence to young adulthood.

Conclusions

It seems that resourceful state may have provided a resource for the client to experience himself more fully, and that it also allowed him to enter a calm, peaceful frame of mind is highly probable. I propose that his resourceful state offered the client an enabling device from which to operate differently, to consider and choose a response, when faced with the external factors which had previously been provocative to his bouts of anger, frustration and confusion.

 The resourceful state appears to help reconnect the client to his sense of self-worth, by enabling him to acknowledge experiences of success, peace, calm or any other feeling which serves to reinforce his ability to regard himself as worthwhile. Sometimes clients cannot remember their successes, they can’t think of anything good they ever were or did. They block their memories of their own competencies, relating only to their perceived failures and lacks. The ability to access a resourceful state of mind, and reconnect to “good feelings” can perhaps help to provide the sense of safety which has been presented by Maslow, Rogers[xviii], Brooks[xix], McGuiness [xx] as crucial to growth and development, and a key feature of resilience.

 My continued work with clients, ranging from therapists and older students to children with learning difficulties such as dyslexia and dyspraxia, has reinforced the conclusions I have drawn from my studies, and I am continuing to develop my ideas.

Equally importantly, for myself as a counsellor, working from a personal resourceful state has had a noticeable effect on the development and quality of the therapeutic alliance, and members of my cohort on the MA who were introduced to my work experienced considerable benefits in terms of combating anxiety and stress. As a tool for personal growth, I have been astonished by the simple power a resourceful state holds. Through some very
challenging times of bereavement and loss, I have been able to complete my work, using my resourceful state to facilitate myself in difficult circumstances.

I am currently scheduling Resourceful States in Therapy training workshops from January onwards, for counsellors, teachers and others who work with children, and I am planning to introduce the concept to other groups – such as parents, students and the general personal development market as next year progresses. My book, “Resourceful Intelligence”, based on the research, will be published by Crown House early next year.

 For further information, please call contact Christine Miller HERE

 


[i] Department for Education & Skills (2001, June) Promoting Children’s Mental health in Early Years & School Settings

[ii] Webster’s unabridged dictionary 1996, 1998, MICRA Inc

[iii] OED: (1971)  Oxford English Dictionary    Oxford University Press

[iv] http://www.cogsci.princeton.edu/cgi-bin/webwn2.0?stage=1&word=resourceful

[v] Csiksezentmihalyi. (1991) Flow: the psychology of optimal experience. New York. Harper & Row.

[vi] Maslow, Abraham H. (1968)  Toward a psychology of being (2nd edit) New York: Van Norstrand Reinhold

[vii] Maslow, A.H.. (1976) Religions, Values, & Peak Experiences  London; Penguin Arkana

[viii] Goud, Nelson H. (1995, Sept) Vital Moments   Journal of Humanistic Education & Development  Vol. 34 Issue 1, p24, 11p

[ix] Venerable Henepola Gunaratana.  Mindfulness in plain English. URL: http://www.freenet.carleton.ca/dharma/introduction/instructions/sati.html  [8th January 2001]

[x] Schön, D. (1991)  The Reflective Practitioner; How professionals think in action. Aldershot:Ashgate.

[xi] Yin, R.K. (1989)  Case study research: design and methods. London: Sage

[xii] Stake, Robert. ( 1995)  The Art of Case Study Research. Thousand Oaks, USA. Sage.

[xiii] Silverman, David. (2000) Doing Qualitative Research: A Practical Handbook  London: Sage

14 McLeod, J. (1999)   Practitioner research in counselling. London: Sage..

[xv] Higgins, Robin. (1996) Approaches to research: a handbook for those writing dissertations. London: Jessica Kingsley

[xvi] Satir, Virginia. (1972)  Peoplemaking. London: Souvenir Press.

[xvii] Mearns, Dave; Thorne, Brian. (1999) Person-centred counselling in action. (2nd edit). London: Sage.

[xviii] Rogers, Carl R. (1967) On Becoming a Person; A Therapist’s View of Psychotherapy.  London: Constable.

[xix] Coeyman, Marjorie. (2000, November 14th)  An eye trained firmly on success. Christian Science Monitor, Vol. 92, Issue 247, p 13, 3pp.

[xx] McGuiness, John. (1993, January) The national curriculum: the manufacture of sow’s ears from best silk.  British Journal of Guidance and Counselling, Vol. 21, Issue 1, p 106, 6pp.

Filed Under: Case Studies, Case Studies, Featured, Professional Training Tagged With: Christine Miller, Professional Development, Resilience, Resourceful State

Five Tips for Living in Peace with Your Teens

By Christine Miller

rockabillyboyFive Tips for Living in Peace with Your Teens

  1. Listen – very carefully. Difficult and scary as it may be, try to give your teens a place where they can express their thoughts and needs. Their world is different; be eager to understand and be curious about it and don’t condemn, judge or assume. If you want to make a comment, use their own words back to them – e.g. ‘So let me check I’m understanding you, what you’re saying is….’ (that’s why it’s listen very carefully…) They won’t argue with their own stuff…well, not too often anyway.
  2. Set firm but realistic boundaries – it’s better for everyone. It shows you care. Rules can be good news – it gives your teens a valuable let-out when peer pressure is being applied. If they can assert with total confidence that something’s not allowed, it bolsters their strength to resist temptations to reckless behaviour.
  3. Give them space, respect, responsibility, and the benefit of the doubt. Then shut up. Really. Knowing when to bite your tongue is a key part of this. Once you’ve negotiated what’s acceptable, don’t be peering over their shoulders or prying. Trust their judgement. It’s like paying out a rope or casting a fishing line – do it bit by bit, and you can always renegotiate and reel in a little if your teen seems to demonstrate there’s too much slack.
  4. Accept there may be mistakes. Nobody’s perfect. If your mum (or dad) had known all you got up to as a teenager…would she/he have approved? Hmmm, thought not….So don’t blame, don’t make comparisons with friends or siblings, be supportive, let your teen know their unique value and that you do and always will love them. Even if it’s tough love – and especially if their behaviour is currently causing you concern or creating waves in the family. Make it a learning experience for both of you – try to see the gift in whatever’s happened, painful as it may seem in the moment.
  5. Know your place. Teens can tend to think they’ve discovered everything for the first time ever – and that as an adult and their parent you really know – nothing. Get over it. Give it a few years. Keep a wry smile handy in your repertoire. Remember the old quote from one of the Greek Philosophers:

When I was 18 my father was completely ignorant, but by the time I was 25, it was amazing how much he’d learnt …

Too true!

 BONUS TIP:

  1. Laugh. Find some common ground in humour, satire, irony – maybe through a TV programme or film. It may make you throw your hands up in horror, but ‘The Simpsons’ has some prize moments of sheer comic dis-functionality in which most of us can see a little something of ourselves, if we’re really honest.

But dads (and mums) be warned – telling bad ‘dad jokes’ (and it seems that all dad jokes are bad jokes, even if they’re good…..) creates embarrassed looks, groans of ‘Ohhh Daaad’, rolling eyes and shrugged shoulders – you have to decide if you want to experience that. On the other hand, if you don’t do generic ‘dad jokes’, maybe your teen will miss out on being able to share horror stories with their mates…..And sharing the experience is part of growing up. As parents, that’s what we’re there for – silent witness, loud supporter, soft shoulder or sharp wit – you’ll need all of that and more along the way. Is it worth it – completely – it’s one of life’s richest treasures.

Christine Miller

Filed Under: Coaching & Mentoring Children & Young People, Featured, Parents & Teens Tagged With: children depression, Christine Miller, Coaching Children, teenagers

Coaching Children Case Study

By Christine Miller

With an epidemic of depression afflicting children from all backgrounds, can coaching or mentoring do anything to alleviate some of the pressures they face?

From an interview with Christine Miller by Jane Renton for The Economist Guide to Coaching & Mentoring

deepinthoughtChristine Miller, a management consultant and business coach and mentor, decided to focus her skills on helping children after being profoundly affected by the suicide of her daughter’s 17-year-old school friend.

The girl, who was privately educated and from a loving middle-class home, had been anxious about her schoolwork, about her appearance and about whether she was popular with her peers – normal teenage concerns that had somehow spiralled out of control.

“It had such a profound effect on the [girl’s] family, the school and the local community,” she recalls. It was also a personal clarion call to Ms Miller, who lives in London and who had used coaching techniques in the upbringing of her own children, to re-focus some of her work towards helping troubled youngsters. It was a considered personal decision since it indirectly re-connected her to an earlier career as a school teacher, which she believed had ended in personal failure.

She had taught at a girls’ grammar school, where her largely middle class charges were both intelligent and motivated and where she had thrived. It was only when she accepted a more challenging post teaching French to deprived 15-year-old girls in an inner city London school that things began to change for the worse. “These girls were one step away, in many cases, from being excluded by the authorities. It was my job to teach them French and while I tried very hard to make it as exciting a subject for them as I could, they were contemptuous. They just couldn’t see the relevancy of it to their own lives. Their expectations were so low.”

She left feeling that she had failed her pupils, but decided to put her depressing experience behind her. She embarked upon a successful career in research and consultancy where she worked with a number of major companies in senior positions, including Fiat Motors, before eventually becoming involved in training large groups of people. “I found that supporting people to be at their best was my forte, and also what I really love doing,” she says.

The traumatic death of her daughter’s young friend prompted her to confront her old nemesis – the job of working with troubled teenagers – but this time armed with her Masters degree in Psychology, her coach training expertise, and her grounding in hypnotherapy, cognitive therapy and transpersonal psychology.

There has been no shortage of work. There are almost 1.4 million children in England alone who are described as having ‘special needs’, and estimates from epidemiological studies have indicated that anywhere between 15 and 25 per cent of all children could be identified as having a moderate to severe emotional or behavioural difficulty.

It’s all part of a world-wide phenomenon explains Martin Seligman, professor of psychology at the University of Pennsylvania and one of the principal architects of  the Positive Psychology movement. Depression used to be a relatively rare phenomenon until the 1960s,   and then usually experienced by middle-aged women. But in the past 30 years it has become much more prevalent, affecting much younger people.

“Now after only thirty years, depression has become the common cold of mental illness and it takes its first victims in junior high school – if not before,” he writes in his book The Optimistic Child, Houghton Mifflin, 2007.

Professor Seligman cites several large scale epidemiological studies carried out in the United States over a period of time. The first of these, known as the ECA study, published in 1993 and involving 18, 571 people, surprised statisticians. Those born around 1925, who had lived a long time and therefore had plenty of time to develop the disorder, generally showed little sign of depression and only four per cent had actually experienced severe depression by the time they reached middle age. Of those born before World War One, only one per cent had suffered from depression by the time they reached old age. But then things began to change, when the “feel good, self-esteem era got underway with seven per cent of those born around 1955 suffering from severe depression by the time they reached their early twenties.

A second US study cited by Professor Seligman looked at 2,289 close relatives of 523 people who had been in hospital with severe depression and again the findings were, he says, “astonishing”. They reveal a dramatic increase in rates of depression over the course of the twentieth century. More than 60 per cent of women born in the early 1950s had allegedly been severely depressed, compared with only three per cent of women born around 1910 and who were raised during a time when the dunce’s cap was the norm. A similar pattern also emerged for males.

While Professor Seligman concedes that some of apparent explosion in depression might have been dismissed by our grandmothers’ generation as “just life”, it still does not explain the increased numbers of individuals who have: cried every day for a fortnight; lost rapid weight over a short period of time without dieting; or tried killing themselves. Disturbingly, it is a trend that shows little sign of abating. A study of 3,000 twelve to fourteen year olds in the southeastern United States suggested that a staggering nine per cent suffered from a full-blown depressive disorder.

So what or whom is to blame for this disturbing new phenomenon? Professor Seligman points the finger squarely at baby boomer parents, whose self-preoccupation has changed society from one of achievement to a feel-good society. The right to self-esteem has even become enshrined in Californian law. Poor self-esteem is supposedly behind academic failure, drug use, teenage pregnancy and welfare dependency and yet all those ills are on the rise. It is nonsense, says Professor Seligman, to tell a child they have done well, when they haven’t.

You are in effect lying as well as creating dangerously false expectations, which when they’re inevitably not met, will lead to disillusionment and depression. It is setting a child up for disillusionment and possibly depression, says the professor, who urges parents instead to teach their children resilience and optimism to handle life’s arrows.

“The goal [of achievement] was then overtaken by the twin goals of happiness and high self-esteem. This fundamental change consists of two trends. One is toward the more individual satisfaction and more individual freedom: consumerism, recreational drugs, daycare, psychotherapy, sexual satisfaction, grade inflation. The other is the slide away from individual investment in endeavours larger than the self: God, Nation, Family, Duty. Some of the manifestations reflect what is most valuable about our culture, but others may be at the heart of the epidemic of depression.”

The negative aspects of that culture change has created extensive damage particularly to  children, something that Gail Manza, executive director of the National Mentoring Partnership (NMP) in America,  is acutely conscious of. Much of her organisation’s work is centred on socially-deprived children from chaotic backgrounds, where it is not uncommon for one or more parent to have a history of drug or alcohol abuse, or to be in prison. Yet what these socially deprived young people need, she says, is not mollycoddling or even necessarily cash handouts, but the means of getting access to the right resources to enable them to get some degree of control over their lives, she says.

Ean Garrett, who is now at law school, and a mentor himself, is one of the NMP’s stars. He grew up in the direst of circumstances in America’s mid-west. His mother was in prison for killing his father and as a boy he was shunted from one relative to another until mentors became involved in his life.

“From the start I was expected to lose, recalls Mr. Garrett. “Everything I have right now is mostly because I defied what the world concluded about me before I could even speak a word in my defense.

“And my defense is that I am just as capable as any person to do great things. Like you, I think about all the things this world could achieve if only every child was given the right tools. Mentoring is the right tool.”

He has already amply demonstrated that by graduating from HowardUniversity in Washington and then winning a scholarship to law school in Nebraska.

Before the NMP was launched 20 years ago, Geoff Boisi and Ray Chambers, the two philanthropists who founded the organisation, set out to canvass opinion among the youth of America by personally interviewing them at various boys and girls clubs in several US states. They wanted to find out what they really felt was missing from their lives and how it could be addressed.

Two universal themes emerged from their endeavours. The children said they wanted to be part of the “American Dream” but felt they had been excluded. They also wanted more adult contact in their lives, not less. Mr. Boisi and Mr. Chambers concluded that a lack of caring adult role models to guide and support young people was at the heart of the problem. Mentoring was believed to be the most effective way of meeting those twin needs.

But it’s not just the deprived that needs help. Even privileged youngsters may be suffering similar pressures, albeit of a different nature. Unlike the under-privileged, they may be battling a surfeit of parental involvement to such an extent that it is stunting their development and ability to grow-up.  It’s a tendency that may have been exacerbated by the arrival of the mobile phone – what some have dubbed the world’s longest umbilical cord. There is even a new Google programme called Latitude that allows the over-protective to track their children’s every movement.

The rising cost of private education and university fees has reinforced this phenomenon known as “helicopter parenting” – the alpha parents who just cannot let go of their children – or rather their precious investment. Some even insist on accompanying their offspring to university careers fairs, quizzing prospective employers and generally interfering in every aspect of their children’s lives. All this bodes very badly for society, warns Frank Furedi, professor of sociology at Kent University, England. It will lead to its “infantilisation”.

American clinical psychologist Madeline Levine and author of The Price of Privilege, agrees: “Kids are unbearably pressured not just to be good, but to be great; not just to be good at something, [but] to be good at everything.”

Those pressures are something that Anthony Seldon, headmaster of WellingtonCollege, one of Britain’s top private schools, based in Crowthorne, Berkshire, is acutely conscious of and why shortly after his arrival at the school he implemented happiness classes for pupils aged between 14 and 16.

Britain recently came bottom of a UNICEF survey of life satisfaction among children in 21 developed economies, something that Professor Seligman, on a visit to the UK school in 2008 to attend a conference on positive psychology, slated as “a national disgrace”.

Dr Seldon, a well-known political biographer and no intellectual slouch, believes that “the toxic obsession” by Britain’s educational establishment with endless exams and tests is partly to blame. It has obscured something far more important he says – namely the overwhelmingly important task of producing happy and well-adjusted young adults.

“Celebrity, money and possessions are often the touchstones for teenagers and yet these are not where happiness lies,” says Dr Seldon, who believes that happiness classes should be more widely available and not just for his wealthy young charges.

The classes, which have been running for three years, have proved popular with both parents and pupils. Even teachers, some of whom were initially skeptical, believing that the scheme might be a PR stunt, aimed at overcoming bad publicity over previous instances of bullying among pupils, are now positive about the benefits.

The classes were put together with the involvement of Nick Baylis, a psychologist and co-director of recently established Well-being Institute at CambridgeUniversity and run by Ian Morris and the rest of the school’s Religious Education staff. The courses involve meditation as well as discussions about happy and successful lives and overcoming adversity, not only dealing with situations arising in school, for example, one pupil being unpleasant to another, but also through exploration of famous inspirational lives. The example of Lance Armstrong, who overcame cancer to win the Tour de France, is a reoccurring topic.

Coach Christine Miller also believes that instilling resilience into her young clients is crucial to their well-being. She has a Masters degree in psychology, is a qualified therapist and transpersonal coach, with Master Practitioner training in Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP), hypnosis and Time Line Therapy, designed to release negative emotions.

“I coach them in accelerated learning techniques, learning how to learn, coupled with building rapport and learning to read other people’s body language through non-verbal intelligence and thereby assess the response they are getting.”

Ms Miller believes that family breakdown and the decline of extended families are part of the reason why she has found a receptive market for her work. “There are fewer elders for children to go to for help and guidance. At one time, it used to be that if you had a disagreement with your mother or father, you could probably find a relative – an aunt, uncle or grandparent to go and talk things over with, and get the benefit of some wise, impartial advice, or at least step out of the situation to gain perspective, but these days we’re more spread out, much busier and children can end up being very isolated with their problems.”

Her work is centred on children and young people, aged between seven and 18 and usually involves 10 to 12 sessions. The cost is kept to the equivalent of other extracurricular activities such as music lessons and Ms Miller also undertakes pro bono work for problem children, whose parents cannot afford such fees.

“I tend to get sent the kids who are in trouble – about to be excluded from school, having problems at home, and I’m often something of a last stop before they get referred to the EPS [Education Psychology Service.]

Often her young clients have behavioural problems and have been violent and aggressive.

Other times, there’s sadness and depression. They may have been bullied or the perpetrator of bullying, or are under-achieving academically. But not everyone can be helped. “I do choose my clients – I do an assessment or a trial session from which I can these days quickly determine if someone is coachable – and I have very firm boundaries in place.”

She tried to involve the whole family, wherever possible because they often play a key role in a child’s behaviour. Often they are merely conforming to the family stereotype that has been set for them, such as the “naughty child”, “the difficult one”, and the “not-too-bright one”. Uncovering those unseen influences is crucial if the child is to change, she explains.

One mother brought her 17 year old daughter to see Ms Miller and dominated the conversation, hardly allowing her daughter to speak. “She simply criticised and poured out a catalogue of the ills that she saw in her child.”

“When I got to spend time with the girl, she told me that her mum wouldn’t let her do anything that 17 year old girls usually do – wear make up, go shopping, go to discos, (she’d been prevented from going to the sixth form dance then been criticised for not having friends). Films, and boyfriends were totally taboo as well.”

What Ms Miller did in handling this difficult situation, which in essence involved an extremely dominant and intolerant father, was to teach the daughter rapport-building and negotiation skills. “I also helped her find some inner resources and build a resourceful state.” She also worked on the mother to impress upon her husband how intelligent, strong and resourceful the daughter really was.

Confidentiality is a delicate issue with children – parents sometimes expect full feedback, something that can inhibit what a child will share in the sessions, so Ms Miller operates a policy of something called ‘informed forced consent’ which means that everything remains confidential unless there is a perceived danger to the child in doing so.

“Obviously, if there were to be concerns about safety then the ethical guidelines by which I am bound  [those of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP)] would come into play and appropriate action taken,” she says.

 “My job is essentially to help these young people find peace and happiness and a stimulus to succeed in their lives, whatever the definition of a successful outcome may be. In the extreme cases, I help them to pause, to stop and think before they break that window, smash the chair, hit someone or even draw that knife.”

Often her clients – who are there at either their parents’ or teachers’ request – don’t want to be there. “They’re what I call hostages – and winning their confidence and trust is of key importance, so whatever we do has to be relevant and engaging.”

It’s important to find out what they  want – what do they  believe would make their lives better, not just what the school or the parents think should be happening. “In the beginning I help them find something they’re good at – and there always is something, some memory of a moment they felt really good about, then we build on that as a resource.”

There are explorations and visualizations and her young charges are taught simple self-management  techniques based on martial arts and sports, some accelerated learning methods such as  learning to count to ten in Japanese in five minutes, and practical skills like mind-mapping which help to integrate the hemispheres of the brain. All this is designed to help build their confidence and sense of self and get real world results.

It’s a delicate process working with younger children, because the balance of power is crucially important since they possess little in the way of autonomy. “It’s not helpful to any one if they resent being with me,  so I always include an element of choice and am flexible, making space for them to suggest what they might want to do.”

Storytelling is a key feature, and creating metaphors to express what it feels like when they are in different states of mind, because if they create their story, in their own words, they are not going to argue with or resist their own creations, and this will often lead to big breakthroughs and self-discovery.

It is important to make the experience as natural and enjoyable as possible, explains Ms Miller. “Laughter tends to be a common factor, we play music, do drawings, and we use the computer for games and to watch ways of handling different behaviour scenarios.”

There are homework tasks, but not too many or too onerous. It is part of building a habit of accountability, she says. “The main factor is to offer them what Carl Rogers described as ‘unconditional positive regard’, completely non-judgemental, to be a mirror so they can see themselves as worthwhile, as lovable, and as loved.”

 Any such engagement involves a degree of discussion over outcomes: what is clearly achievable and what is unrealistic and how such outcomes might be recognised by Ms Miller and her clients and their carers. But the best outcomes involve getting phone calls weeks, months, or even years after the coaching experience informing her of the success of past clients, whether that means staying off drugs, passing exams or finding the inner resilience to deal with bullying.

Feedback comes from parents, from teachers and most importantly from the children themselves. If previous academic failure is involved, then improved school reports are usually a good benchmark that the intervention is working.

“Sometimes the mere fact that the child is turning up at school or that they haven’t been excluded since we began working together is a good indicator of success,” says Ms Miller. So too are reports of fewer arguments between child and parents.

But success is on a limited scale in a society where so many children are beset by emotional and behavioural difficulties.

“I would like to spread my work much further,” says Ms Miller, who would like to share her skills with schools.

Filed Under: Case Studies, Case Studies, Coaching & Mentoring, Coaching & Mentoring Children & Young People, Featured Tagged With: children depression, Christine Miller, coaching childre, mentoring children

Resourceful States and Children

By Christine Miller

Resourceful States and Children

Resilience is widely noted as of particular importance in children, where external risk factors such as loss or separation, life changes,  and traumatic events can increase the probability of some children developing problems. Clients and therapists using Resourceful State techniques have reported improvements is areas such as:

  • Self esteem
  • Concentration
  • Communication
  • Relationships
  • Therapeutic alliance

Self-esteem, a sense of identity, strong family relationships and good communications with teachers and peer groups are widely acknowledged as key elements in children who are resilient, and such protective processes may counteract an increase in risk factors in vulnerable children.

Many clients will benefit from the possibility of increased self-esteem, better communication skills and improved relationships.

Experience and apply the benefits of Resourceful State with

Christine Miller, MA, author of the forthcoming book “Resourceful Intelligence”, and featured in The Economist Guide to Coaching & Mentoring for her work with Children & Young People

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Filed Under: Children & Young People, Featured Tagged With: Christine Miller, Coaching Children, Personal Development, Resilience

How to Build Your Self Worth

By Christine Miller

selfworthfemale“Dear Christine,

Progress in my life has been dogged by very low self esteem – always as a child put down by my mother and lately by my husband.
Do I have to go through life like this? Help!”

PJ, London, UK

Dear PJ,

First of all, I’d like to commend you for writing to ask for help. That’s an excellent step towards taking charge of your life now, and becoming more confident in asking for your needs to be met.

Also, acknowledging that sometimes you feel less good about yourself is another healthy step towards building your self worth and love for yourself.  And, be assured, if you decide to do so, then you can certainly change the way you go through life.

Now I’m going to make an assumption that since you’re asking for advice, you have decided that you want to make changes in the way you are going through your life. I’m also going to assume that you’re prepared to consider the suggestions that may be offered to you – and when you choose, to take action on those suggestions.

As I can’t ask you directly how you would define self-esteem, then let me describe what self-esteem means to me both professionally and personally.

It’s the way you feel about yourself. It’s how much you feel you are worth, (which is why I prefer to call it ‘self-worth’),  how prepared you are to accept yourself as a human being who, by definition, is not perfect. How easily you can experience yourself as “okay” and “good enough” – even when you make mistakes or have uncomfortable emotions and experiences. Perhaps even accepting that it’s fine on occasion to have emotions such as anger and sadness – because sometimes family life has imposed conditions on us which have led us to suppress one emotion and substitute it with another – anger masquerading as resentment, for example.

Many of the patterns we live in our lives we learn as children, and some we acquire later in life. The good thing about this is that having learned these responses, when we begin to notice they no longer serve us, we can also unlearn them, and acquire new ways of dealing with our lives. All these decisions and beliefs about ourselves are created within us – and from within, equally, we can recreate new, more appropriate ones.

PJ, since you are becoming more aware of yourself in relation to others, perhaps it’s time for you to develop a different image of yourself, one where youare in control of yourself and make choices based on your needs, desires and interests. Where your past experience of your mother and your present experience with your husband diminish in the influence they exert over your feelings towards yourself, because you have taken charge of your own responses. And where you can then value yourself as the unique, fascinating being that you already are, and celebrate the potential you undoubtedly have to develop still further.

So how might you achieve such a change?  There are, of course, many ways open to you in the self-help arena. Books, tapes, seminars, coaching, counselling….whatever you do, the only thing that will bring results is taking actionon and with whatever you read, hear, see or experience.

I believe that an important first step might be for you to create for yourself an inner retreat, a place where you can calmly consider yourself and rediscover a sense of your own potential – a “resourceful state”.

So, find yourself a peaceful room where you won’t be disturbed for a few minutes, turn off the phones, sit down comfortably and feel the chair beneath your legs, the floor under your feet. Then close your eyes, relax, take your shoulders and shrug them up to your ears, then let them gently fall back down, allow your head to rotate gently on your neck a couple of times. Now, think of one of the most wonderful moments in your life, a moment when you were really excited, when you knew you could do anything….Really get the feeling, be there having the experience, see what you saw, hear what you heard, notice what you noticed…..Then step outside and take a look at yourself, make the image just perfect for you, in sights, sounds and feelings, then step back inside again and experience the feelings. Now remember to mentally note that wonderful feeling. Enjoy it for a few moments more……

When you open your eyes again, notice how calm you feel, and how you are able to control that inner landscape of your mind. Practice this resourceful state often: at least once a day. Many people have found it helps them to identify what they want in their lives, and to feel stronger and more empowered whilst they decide. Remember that you can feel wonderful, and if you can feel wonderful in one situation, you can feel the same in another – take that sense of your self-worth with you, and build the life you want for yourself, knowing that growth and change are yours.

Love and Good luck on your journey….

Christine

Response

Dear Christine,

Firstly thank you for the excellent service I have received. You have achieved what I thought would be virtually impossible on the net – a personal one to one feeling that you  were there just for ME.

Your reply has helped considerably, I have already been able to make some significant changes and move in a better direction in my life. For the first time I feel an inner strength and confidence growing to enable me to move forward.

My grateful thanks to the you – I will certainly be recommending Christine Miller and the Resourceful State to my friends.

Yours sincerely

PJ

Filed Under: Featured, Self Worth Tagged With: Christine Miller, Executive Coaching, Mentoring, personal growth, States of Mind

Overcoming Depression

By Christine Miller

maleheaddespair“Dear Christine,

I saw a special about Terry Bradshaw who has depression and I read a book by William Styron on his depression. This morning I felt like I could not bear to work today.  I did and feel fine now but it is a common thing for me. I don’t want to take pills but I will try it.  I would like to know if there is something I can do to avoid this incapacitating reticence to do anything.”

BG, Canton, TX, USA

 

 

Dear BG,

First of all, BG, I’m assuming that you have checked with your doctor to make sure that there are no underlying physical conditions which might lead to your feeling reticent to do anything. If you have the physical all-clear, then, because, as you say, it is a common thing for you to feel that you can’t bear to work, perhaps your doctor could refer you for counselling to help you identify and resolve what may be underlying your feelings.

I am wondering, have you experienced any recent changes in your sleeping patterns, your eating habits (either over or under eating), your use of alcohol or other stimulants; do you have a tendency to sigh a lot, to cry a lot, to withdraw from friends and family and feel unloved? These are some of the possible signs of depression, but remember that almost everyone experiences mood changes and periods of feeling “low” in response to life’s normal challenges, and they pass quite quickly. It’s when the conditions are severe and/or persistent that therapy or medication might be necessary. Sometimes, there’s an unrealistic expectation that we “should” love life and be happy, energetic and fulfilled at all times – but if you’ve just lost a loved one or maybe experienced some mental or physical trauma, then a period of reflection, of mourning, of adjustment is not only necessary but desirable.

I’m curious about how long you have been experiencing these feelings, and if you have experienced a recent trigger in the form of a major life event, such as a bereavement or loss through divorce. After such events it can take a long time for recovery to take place, and strong emotions are quite normal during these times. Talking with a trusted friend or relative can help to alleviate the burden – the old adage that ‘a trouble shared is a trouble halved’ has much truth in it.  A counsellor or therapist would fill that role for you, also, if you prefer to keep your inner ponderings confidential. And if you can find no reason, and your feelings have been present for a long period, then it would certainly be advisable to seek a professional helper.

Perhaps, BG, you might ask yourself where this reticence, this incapacity comes from, what does it mean, and what purpose does it serve? What is it that you are not paying attention to in your life that your feelings of incapacitation are guiding you to attend to? What do you have in your life that you no longer want? What don’t you have in your life that you would like to be there? What steps can you take to make the changes that will create the conditions which will allow your greater fulfillment?

I also wonder how you relate to your work, your workplace and your workmates. Do you perhaps work alone, at home or in your office, and rely on your own company for motivation and encouragement?  Is there something about your current work which causes you to avoid engaging with it?  If you are involved with a creative profession, there can be a loneliness and reluctance which are necessary to the process of conceiving original work, and many artists experience a stage of reluctance before they find themselves in flow and being productive. Many of the great artists and performers of the world – Claude Monet, Sylvia Plath, Ernest Hemingway, Marilyn Monroe, Truman Capote, to name but a few – have suffered from depression, and the understanding of this condition is growing all the time.

If it were to prove that you do suffer from depression, there are things you can do to help yourself. You can start by keeping fit and well, rested and well-nourished. (Exercise releases “feel good” pheromones which enhance you mood, for example.) There are proven talking therapies, which can intervene and help you modify your responses. There are of course pills, as well, which your doctor may recommend as a measure to help you in the short term. What you decide to do will also depend on your assessment of yourself and the steps you are prepared to take in feeling better about yourself. For that is where you are in control, and the route you take is under your own direction.

Many of my clients, whatever issues they present with, find that writing is a superb therapy in itself. Perhaps you can keep a diary or journal of your daily moods and their relationship to your activities. An illuminating pattern may emerge, which will give you insight into, and possibly even assist in resolving, the triggers for your incapacitation. And writing an essay or a short story about your life as it is now and as you envisage it as an ideal can be a delightfully liberating experience in re-authoring yourself. Whilst you are deciding, such steps as have been suggested here may give you some inner peace and a calm place from which you can move to find what you want in your life.

And remember, as someone once said to me:

“Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance”

I wish you contentment and the resolve to change that which is within your power to achieve the happy and active life you desire.

Love

Christine 

Response:

Dear Christine,

I want to thank you all for your insights and help. I didn’t expect anything so thorough but I learned a lot.

I am an artist and my work is important to me. I want everything to be great. I do fear failure but I love the work and the opportunity to feel very strongly about it. Maybe that has something to do with it. I know I want approval and I work a little too hard to get it. I don’t know why I want approval.

Talking it out would help I am beginning to see. Your generosity with your time is truly appreciated. The bad thing about it is I don’t really want to do anything about it for fear I will just start something I don’t finish again. Paintings are the only thing in my life I have ever finished. Well one other thing. I was a single parent (father) for my two boys from the time they were 3 and 4 years old. They are grown and gone now, for several years. I have time to do a lot of work just don’t have the passion. I guess I am finally feeling mortal.

Much love
BG

Filed Under: Depression, Featured Tagged With: Christine Miller, Overcoming Depression, Resourceful State, States of Mind

Motivation and Zest for Life

By Christine Miller

girlleaping“Dear Christine,

I have read several self help books. Tried several techniques. On many occasions have attempted to start a journal, hoping to work on goals, self esteem and prosperity creation.
However good a start I make I find it so difficult to keep motivated, my self doubt creeps in. Being motivated and having enthusiasm for things in life has been a great problem for me since the loss of both my parents and my partner over a period of eight months. Any advice on how I can regain my zest and love for life? I have tried many things all to no avail: is there any hope for me?”  
JR, Durham, UK

Dear JR

First of all, allow me to express my sympathy for your loss of your parents and your partner over a very short period of time. Such loss certainly requires a period of mourning and readjustment which will not necessarily be swift. It is perfectly normal and even desirable to have many feelings – of sadness, loneliness and even hopelessness – when faced with the gaps in our lives left by the departure of loved ones, whether through death or separation. Acknowledging and even welcoming these feelings is an important part of the process of recovery, and  being able to hold such feelings and work with them whilst also moving through them to acceptance is probably one of the key factors in returning to a more joyful life.

You don’t mention how long ago you experienced these losses, and each person has a different time scale for mourning. Cultural background can influence the way we deal with bereavement, with certain societies encouraging visible, audible public expression of sorrow, and others choosing a quiet, private and internal way of grieving.

For some, grief is immediate and sharply felt, expressed spontaneously and freely. For others, the sense of loss creeps more slowly, perhaps only hitting home some weeks or months after the bereavement. And there are always those moments of recall, the promptings of a familiar sound, sight or place, the event or occasion when the person’s absence is strongly felt, the shock of their habitual presence being no longer there.  So be kind to yourself and accept that what you experience may be the natural way your body, heart and soul respond to changes which have come from events beyond your control.

Take all the time you need to grieve. Your parents were with you all your life – it would be unrealistic not to feel their absence acutely for a period of time, and your partner was also a key part of your life – it is acknowledged that it can take many years to come to terms with the death of a partner, so take your time and value the personal growth you can experience from this process. Get some help from a bereavement counsellor if you would like someone to talk to. CRUSE in the UK specialise in bereavement issues, offering free advice and support. (www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk)

These events, your losses, were beyond your control – you can, however, now start to make a conscious decision about how you respond to the feelings which they have led you to experience. If you are ready to move forward, holding dear the precious memories of your loved ones, and allowing the feelings their loss has created in you to be a resource of strength and determination, then you can start to change and regain your motivation and zest for life.

Acknowledge to yourself that it’s okay to feel sad sometimes, that you can be safely sad, and that you can also enjoy life’s pleasures and joys alongside the sadness. Your respect for your loved ones does not mean you have to deprive yourself of joy – you can better honour their memory by living a full and richly rewarding life which is a testimony to their positive influences on your development.

Take some time to consider what you really want – if you really want to be happy, then the choice to feel happiness lies within you. You have demonstrated by asking these questions that you have sensitivity and awareness, that you know that the answer truly lies within. Develop that ability to look within, and accept yourself as a whole and sensitive person who is capable of deep feeling and unlimited growth. Take a quiet, reflective moment and ask yourself if it is alright for you to experience that which you desire – whatever it may be – and pay attention to the spontaneous response you get.

Make a definite decision to look for the positive in whatever happens to you – what strength and knowledge can you draw from your life experiences? Which people can you attract into your life to share and enhance your world?  Create your ideal in your mind, make it as vivid as the most compelling film you have ever seen, the most riveting novel you have ever read, and allow yourself to start living the possibility – remembering that all your emotions are valid, and that there will be times when life’s natural events lead to feelings which modern society can tend to disown.

Although love can bring sadness and loss, the true joy lies in knowing that your strength increases through exposure to the full range of a life well lived – including the disappointment, confusion and unexpected results  which offer the greatest lessons.

Hope is always present in our lives, if we choose it so  – you can be, do and have whatever you want,  know that you deserve your heart’s desire – and you can then respond in the way that best fulfils your needs. I wish you a joyful journey into a future filled with rich experience as you start to explore the map of your life – one which you can create and recreate as you tread more lightly into the world.

Christine

Filed Under: Featured, Motivation & Zest for Life Tagged With: Christine Miller, Personal Development, Resourceful State

Welcome to the Resourceful State

By Christine Miller

Just imagine…..

 having the ability to access an empowering state of mind to call on whenever you wish, when you are under pressure, experiencing emotional challenges or considering life-changing decisions

The Resourceful State offers an innovative approach to therapy, personal development and self help utilising resourceful states of mind. It is a concept based on the idea that we can activate resourceful states of mind to enhance our self esteem and emotional intelligence.

Based on extensive research, and carefully developed and tested in her practice by Christine Miller, MA, these ideas and strategies will be useful to everyone whether they are working with clients or wanting to make changes in their own lives.


What is a Resourceful State of mind?

A calm awareness, giving an ability to reflect before acting, an increase in choice in response to any situation in life, an acceptance of the validity of any emotions, combined with an acknowledgement of their appropriate expression at any given time—a combination of creative impulse and logical thought..
Christine Miller

 Resourceful states of mind are based on an ability to reflect on and in action, to operate from a chosen response rather than an impulse, and to have an inner mental sanctum, a reserve of strength to draw on when needed. Being able to reconnect to a positive and powerful experience can give confidence and build self-esteem, empowering a person to believe in themselves and in their potential.

How can I find out more?
Come to a Live training.  Read more here.  Chat with Christine. 

Filed Under: Featured Tagged With: Christine Miller, Energy, Executive Coaching, Joy, Resourceful State, zest for life

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